Just Go In Quietly

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. I’ve had a gym membership for most of my life. I really believe that I thought if I paid my $29 per month that should get me some pounds off. I did put forth some effort by writing a check! 

Flash forward to a couple of years ago and I wanted to attend a yoga class at my local YMCA. I faithfully paid my membership and rarely attended as per usual. Yoga has been something that I’ve taken on and off for years and it’s a good starting place for me when I want to start working out. I just have to convince myself to go. 

On this particular day the class in question was at 5:30pm. I’d been talking myself in and out of going since I woke up in the morning. 

I’ll go. It’ll be fine. I don’t care if I’m the biggest person there I’m just going to go in. 

No way. Not going to March my fat self in there and have everybody stare at me. Nope staying home. 

Get dressed and get there! Just go in and who care who is looking! You can do this!

Lucky for me the same clothes I watch TV in are the same ones I go to yoga in so it doesn’t matter if I change. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. All day long. 

At 5pm I just decided to grab my yoga mat and go. I jump in my car in my yoga/tv wear (this is now called Athleisure) and go. When I get to the Y there is no place to park. I’m way in the back of the lot and racing to get inside where I have 3 minutes to check in and get to class. 

I get down to the room and it’s already packed. I have to make a choice. Go in quietly and just join in or get in my car and drive back home. I’m not one for spectacle. I was just going to leave. 

As I tried to walk out I’m reminded of how many things I’ve quit in my life. How many times I’ve just dropped the ball. How many times I didn’t give myself a chance. I’m dressed, I’m here, I’m going in quietly. 

I open the door quietly. I walk in quietly. By now I’m noticing that in the blissful peace of the room I’m quiet in the same way a toddler is quiet or the way a drunk person is quiet. Not. Quiet. At. All. 

I spread out my mat. Every move I make is amplified in the silence. I remove my shoes which sound like bowling balls hitting the floor. I get on my mat and lay down. I’m here and begin to follow the breathing commands of the instructor. Exhale. 

For about 30 seconds. 

What I did was walk into the END of the previous class not the BEGINNING of my class. My level of embarrassment on a scale of 1 – 10 was about INFINITY! The instructor was very kind and informed me that the next class was actually canceled. 

I literally sat there for a moment and soaked in my horror. I must’ve looked like a crazy person. I packed up and left still feeling the sting of intense discomfort. 

I tend to get reflective in the car. On the drive back home I was much kinder to myself. I was able to laugh at the craziness as these types of things happen to me. 

I was also proud of myself.  As a person who frequently trembles with anxiety in a lot of social interaction it was a victory that I left my house,  that I went to the gym, that I dared to walk in the room where my level of fear was in overdrive. Yes, that is a victory. 

Funny, yes, but also victorious.