What is one thing you would change about yourself?
I love questions that give me pause. Questions that will linger in my mind and make me explore different trains of thought. WordPress provides a daily writing prompt and this was today’s prompt.It’s kept my my mind moving.
I’m a person that considered self love a foreign concept. I spent most of my life super morbidly obese, and managed to tie the whole of my self worth on what the scale displayed daily. It was like I woke up and chose self torture… every single day.
Early in my relationship with my husband, I would unconsciously push Jeff away, almost providing him an out that I knew was inevitable. In fact, anyone that showed any interest or even simple kindness made me question their motives!
After my RNY Gastric Bypass and a moment of true surrender with Jesus, I learned to love my body but not in the way I expected. I longed to see the body of my dreams through losing weight but what really happened is that I gained a love and respect of my body I had before. I learned how my body supported me figuratively and literally throughout my life. My body yearned my respect and love. It was a beautiful gift to do so at what I considered my worst. In my greatest physical challenges my body worked through it all! I learned to love every roll, every dimple, every stretch mark!
I lost over 250 pounds after surgery. It took diligence, consistency, and movement. My respect for my body was at an all time high! Then I blew out my knee and all movement ceased. My surgery and subsequent recovery was long and painful. I was so conditioned to stay in motion that this immediate stop wreaked havoc on my body and my mind.
The pounds began to creep back. I started to panic. Will I be another weight loss surgery statistic? The pressure of this made every day a challenge. This challenge made everything spiral! It’s like when you tell yourself not to think of something then it’s all you do! My mental state exacerbated my issues and the weight continued.
Isn’t it so easy to have faith when things are going perfectly? Staying faithful during trials is a true measure of faith. I felt God whisper in my heart: Did you only love your body because it was where you wanted it to be or did you truly love your body?
Boom!
Like an explosion went off in my mind!! I had to look back and really give my body – and myself – the grace I freely extend to others! I had to stop fighting with my body and love it… just as it is… and thanking Jesus for all my body has been through! As if on cue, I started to be kinder to myself and my movement increased and my weight began to decrease! I remembered the phrase “You can’t hate yourself healthy.”
I had weight loss surgery 10 years ago today! My body has always been a gift. The ONLY thing I could ever see changing was learning to love myself as God loves me sooner. But even with that, I would be robbed of the lessons I learned along the path.
I’ll change nothing.
What about you?
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